I am on maybe-sorta-kinda hiatus until July; just so you know why I’ve kind of disappeared off the face of the earth.
Okay I’ll leave now BYE
“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! Run! I’ll hold him off!”HE WAS WANDLESS AND TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD UP AGAINST THE BIGGEST EVIL HE AND SO MANY OTHERS HAD EVER CONCEIVED OF DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING MENTION IN FRONT OF ME HE NEVER REALLY LOVED LILY I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOU
So I recently came across this website, Elite Daily. It calls itself “The Voice of Generation-Y.”
The link I stumbled on was to an article titled “The 10 Things Women Need to Realize in 2013.” OK. Let’s check this out…
OH, BOY. What the fuck is this? The first photo attached to the article should have tipped me off, but I was too focused on the name of the author…
That’s right. EDDIE CUFFIN. A dude is about to lecture women on what they should “realize” in 2013. But, not just any dude. It’s says right there in his bio: “THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE OFFICE.”
Let’s take a look at a few of these “things”…
“Ladies, realize that in 2013, you are not cute.”
“Back to to the kitchen women and make me a sandwich.”
Well, shit. Thank you GUY for explaining this stuff to women! I mean, one of the points in this article was about getting men to “eat out your ‘box.’” And all that along with the objectifying pics? What would a girl living in the 1950s…err…2013 do without this article?!
But, don’t worry! Eddie Cuffin has got more for all of you seeking his advice. Gems such as…
“The 21 Signs She’s Expired.”
That’s right, girls. If you are over the age of 19 and 1/2, hang up the boots and please deposit yourself in the closest trash bin.
Misogynistic, transphobic AND he hates Mila Kunis! Eddie Cuffin is a catch!
What a gentleman.
But, don’t worry! Eddie Cuffin won’t leave you hanging now that you know your girlfriend is “expired” like the cold cuts sitting in the back of your fridge…
Eddie Cuffin’s gonna let you know how to cheat on her with “15 Steps to Successfully Cheat on Your Girlfriend!” Eddie says women are like chicken (expired chicken?) and stale bread! The man who wants to empower women in 2013 with cooking lessons and orgasms would also like them to know that their value depreciates over time (because women are nothing but a commodity, duh!). GIRLS, “you’re getting older and not getting any tighter” and by not stopping time you “compel” men to cheat! IT’S YOUR FAULT, LADIES…
“15 Easy Steps to Managing Your Mistress.” Fellas! Your pal Eddie’s got you covered here too! Because it’s 2013 (Eddie’s got a real infatuation for 2013) and as it says right there above…It’s that time in your life, and not just yours, everyman’s life where he ”GROW A SACK AND GET A MISTRESS.”
“Women lie a lot.” You hear that men? Women are EVIL LIARS. Why can’t they just be truthful while you lie and cheat on them?! GIRLS ARE THE WORST.
But, what if you fell for the evil voodoo women and she went ahead on her very own and decided to get pregnant (THE NERVE)? Don’t worry, Eddie Cuffin’s got you covered here too!
“Many poor men.” If only they had Eddie Cuffin’s brilliant mind and knew the “20 East Steps to Raising a Whore” so they could do the exact opposite!
Letting her get involved in fun activities like cheerleading and gymnastics! Only WHORES play sports!
Telling her she can’t date a black man! Because we all know women will go out and do the exact opposite! AND ONLY WHORES DATE BLACK MEN. (Eddie Cuffin: misogynistic, transphobic, and now racist too!)
Put her on birth control at 13! Because we all know girls don’t have sex UNLESS they are on birth control. No birth control, no sex, and there’s like no teen moms in 2013…the Voice of Generation-Y, people!
In case these listicles full of amazing advice weren’t enough for ya, Eddie’s got a Twitter account too! 140 characters of pure wisdom!
Eddie Cuffin of Elite Daily, folks! The Voice of Generation Y (Don’t Girls Like Me, I Am So Alone).
TH IS GU Y„,.. , …………..
I will find this man, I will chop his balls off and gag him with them. So no one hears him scream as i slowly stab him to death.
Sick to my stomach.
So it’s sad to say, but I think they used the first ever time machine to teach a cave man how to write.
the eleventh doctor + goodbyes for my emotions
can you imagine
the next time someone asks you if you’re planning on having kids
and you say “no”
and they give that knowing smile and say “you will change your mind, someday”
suddenly a time portal opens up and like 60-year-old version of you sticks their head out and and goes “INCORRECT”
“Sherlock. What is behind your back?”
“Young men know better than to lie to their brothers.”
“But if I show you, you can’t tell mummy.”
“I can’t make any promises.”
“I’ll let you have my dessert for a week.”
“His name is John.”
“Of course it is.”
“He was all alone, I was bringing him home with us.”
“He’ll be a big responisbility, Sherlock.”
“I know. But I love him. I want to take care of him.”
That is so damn cute
Because you tell us to. You tell us that is the only way to be safe. You tell us that if we wear short skirts, or drink at a party, or talk to a stranger and we get assaulted it is because we fucked up, we weren’t careful enough, we should have known better.
You tell us that if we don’t protect…